Children won’t always come to you with their real concerns. The only way to uncover the real issue is by listening, says author Ross Judd
One afternoon, when my daughter was roughly 10 years old, she came and hung around the doorway to my office while I was working. It was unusual behaviour and gave me the impression she was very nervous about something, so I moved away from my desk and sat on the floor.
She came into the room and sat opposite me. To my surprise she talked about an issue at school. Some of her friends, in her words, were being mean to her and not including her in things.
I’ve learned, from coaching people for over 30 years, that when people are nervous, worried, or even scared, they never tell you the real issue straight away. Never. The only way to uncover the real issue is by listening.
I’ve tested that theory many times and it’s true, even for family. When someone is worried or nervous they will start with a topic that is less important. If you interrupt, start asking questions, try to solve that first issue, or do anything other than listen you will take the conversation down a track that leads away from what they want to talk about, and miss the deeper concern.
Taking the time to build the connection
Listening is hard because we are conditioned to think that the best way to “help” is by solving their problem, asking questions, coming up with actions or solutions, fixing the issue for them, or even protecting them from the issue. But how does that help if they are not telling you the real issue?
I knew that the issue at school was not the deeper issue that was making my daughter hang nervously in my doorway, so I knew I would need to stay silent and let her talk. If I could do that she would eventually share the real issue that was bothering her.
My experience has taught me that I can’t interrupt, ask questions, tell stories, or offer a solution until I’m asked. Waiting until you are asked can be hard, but it’s worth it if you really want to help.
Eventually she asked me what I thought she should do. As I explored different options with her I discovered she had already thought about, and actioned, them. It reinforced my conviction that this was not the deeper issue. The reality was that she had it under control.
We kept talking and she asked me for another idea. I suggested we bring her mother into the conversation to see what she thought. This was met with a strong and negative reaction.
‘No, no, no, please don’t tell mum!’
I went silent. I was now starting all over again with a new topic and determined not to interrupt or ask questions, even though I was busting to! I was pretty sure this was getting much closer to the real issue.
This conversation was slower, more hesitant, and clearly harder for her. She was obviously much more nervous. If I had interrupted her in any way I would have taken the conversation away from what she wanted to talk about.
As she talked it became clear that some of her mother’s playful teasing was having a negative impact. It didn’t worry her in the normal course of their relationship, but it surfaced when she was worried about something and needed a connection. In that moment she felt like her mother wouldn’t understand.
It was hard to hear because I knew she was wrong. He mother would understand, but I couldn’t say that because contradicting her wouldn’t help. It would do the opposite and shut the conversation down.
The only way to help in this situation was by letting her talk, listening, and building the connection she needed.
This conversation took longer but eventually she asked what I thought she should do. We eventually agreed that I would go and talk to her mother about how she felt. What came next was a magical reunion between mother and daughter that still brings tears to my eyes over a decade later.
Top tips for listening to your children
The example above highlights that things are not always what they seem, particularly when someone is upset, worried, nervous, or scared. My daughter didn’t need help with the issue at school, she had that under control. She needed help with something that was bothering her at a deeper level. If I’d gone into “action planning” mode for the issue at school I wouldn’t have helped!
Tip #1 – Listening is helping
In these moments, when they are nervous or upset, you will learn a lot more, and be in a better position to help, if you just listen. Stop asking questions, problem solving, action planning, telling stories, or sharing your opinion and start listening. That is the only way to find out what is really bothering them.
Tip #2 – There is always a deeper issue
Again, in these moments, when they are nervous or upset, the first thing they talk about will not be the real issue, it will be something less important. It’s a test, or an audition, to see whether you are going to listen and understand.
Tip #3 – The only way to get to the deeper issue is by listening
The minute you open your mouth to ask a question, share an opinion, correct them, tell a story, or to do anything other than listen, you will take the conversation away from the deeper issue.
We need to change our deep-seated beliefs that link “helping” to sorting out problems for them. Quite often they just need a sounding board, or room to think things through on their own. If we interrupt we will make the thinking process harder for them.
We need to start believing that listening is helping.
About the author
Ross Judd is the author of the new book Listening – A guide to building deeper connections.
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