Understanding bullying: How to support your child

It helps to understand what bullying is and what it isn’t. Look at these scenarios:

A – Sia tells Ahmed he looks weird when he throws the ball.
B – Jack picks up James’ lunch and throws it in the bin.
C – Meg posts derogatory comments about Ella online three times in one week, with others in their group ‘liking’ them.

C is bullying. While A is thoughtless, B is mean (and also unacceptable), and C is bullying because it involves repeated behaviour deliberately intended to cause harm. It is related to the misuse of power, perceived or actual, by an individual or group.

Schools do great work in educating children and adolescents about bullying. Despite this, it is almost impossible to eradicate bullying — young people are at different stages of their development of empathy, vary in their social skill development, and some may be trying to gain social status through their bullying behaviour.

Worryingly, the vast majority (85 per cent) of bullying incidents are witnessed by others in the peer group. Still, many young people are reluctant to let someone at school know because they fear adult intervention will make it worse. The fact that so many kids witness bullying can make it seem almost ‘normal’ and create a stigma for those who report it. It also builds a fear of it happening to you, so saying nothing seems the safest option. The ‘dobber’ culture is alive and well, too, falsely protecting bullies while victims suffer.

This depends on the type of bullying and where and when it happens.

Verbal bullying is the most common type of bullying experienced by school-aged children. Trying to ignore, not react or make a joke of the comments can work in some instances as teasing is often done to get a reaction. Another option is to tell the person to stop in simple, clear language. If these strategies don’t work, and it is repeat behaviour, children should be encouraged to report it to a teacher they trust and feel comfortable with.

Physical bullying or property damage should be reported to the school immediately. In extreme circumstances, the bullying may constitute assault and police involvement is warranted.

All schools have policies around bullying that should be readily available to families and familiar to students. These policies can be a good starting point if you have concerns and are unsure what to do. Policies will explain how the school will respond to bullying. All accusations of bullying need to be investigated first to establish what has happened and ensure the person bullying understands the impact of their behaviour and that it is taken seriously.

Adolescents can be reluctant to get the school involved. They worry it will make things worse or that they will be seen as a ‘dobber’. Discuss options with them and encourage them to try different strategies. If they are losing confidence or don’t feel safe, intervention may be needed. Reassure them their voice will be heard and that their wellbeing is important.

Our children will see bullying in their peer group, whether in the playground, corridors, on buses, or online — sometimes even in the classroom. This means that young people can make a significant difference if they understand their role in standing up against bullying if they see it happening. Sometimes, it can be as simple as standing beside the victim, showing them they are not alone.

There are four main actions that children and teenagers can take as bystanders:

Direct action: Say something to the bully to show that what they are doing is not OK.

Distract: Change the subject, tell a joke, or do something else to distract the bully from what they are saying or doing.

Delegate: Reach out to someone else, such as a teacher, to make them aware and get their help.

Delay: Do something later, such as talking to the bully, telling a teacher or supporting the victim.

Fostering bystander behaviour supports the person who has been belittled, hurt, or excluded. It can make a powerful difference, both to the person who is being badly treated and to the culture of a community. Talk to your kids about what they have seen and what they might be comfortable doing as bystanders.

Dr Deborah Trengove is a former school psychologist and school wellbeing leader, and a regular contributor to The Parents Website.

Deborah’s previous articles for The Parents Website include The Place of Consequences in Positive Discipline, Listening: The heart of connecting, What parents can do about sibling conflict, Team Family: Why we need the family meeting, 10 tips to help your teen out of the Procrastination Trap and How parents can help kids make good friends.

You can find more from Deborah on her website and on LinkedIn.

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