Avoiding ‘safetyism’ and allowing our kids to stretch and grow, from Maggie Dent

This has a much better chance of occurring when there is relational safety – which means the directive comes from a safe human.

The science of child development now shows very clearly that healthy attachment is far more important in the healthy raising of children who are not emotionally scarred in childhood. The world is much better informed about the impact of trauma and adverse childhood experiences on the healthy development of our kids. Unfortunately, there is a flipside to this in the parenting landscape around the concept of healthy attachment that has confused so many parents. Many believe that being tender and loving means that you need to make sure your kids are happy all the time. This priority means that many parents, whether consciously or unconsciously, are striving to create perfect, trauma-free childhoods where kids do get the biscuit before dinner or we cave in and give them whatever it is they are screaming about in order to restore their happiness.

When our kids struggle with big feelings after a parent has put a boundary in place, and they scream and possibly throw a tantrum, rather than see this as a failure as a parent, we need to see this as a sign of a parent doing their job. Many of today’s teens are struggling with frustration intolerance. This means that when as children, they struggled with big feelings based on frustration (especially around not getting their own way, not getting what they want or coming up against a boundary like bedtime, or time on screens), many parents have found it just too hard to hold that boundary, and they have given them what they want. So, in adolescence, they have a very low tolerance for feeling frustrated. We only get better at managing frustration in our lives by experiencing it – especially right through childhood.

The pressure of the perfect parent perception has a lot to answer for. The child struggling with a tantrum in the shopping centre is not a bad child who needs a smack, they are a child struggling to regulate themselves. It is developmentally normal for children to struggle to regulate themselves because they have an underdeveloped cognitive capacity. So, this shopping centre tantrum needs to be seen as something normal, not something abnormal that needs to be stopped immediately. So, when not only parents but other grown-ups can reframe that perception that a child is being naughty into ‘that is a child not coping with their world right now’, we can have more compassion for both the child and the parent.

Of course, it’s scary when your child wants to climb higher than you feel comfortable with, and yet if we trust our kids, they will mostly take themselves to where they feel safe because they have an inner warning system that is unique to every child. Yes, the rooster kids who are fiercely brave and confident will scare the heck out of you and may occasionally break a limb. Yes, those gentle, sensitive lambs will take longer to develop their bravery; however, in their own time, in their own way, they will grow.

The best opportunity to grow healthy, capable and resilient kids is to create as many play opportunities as possible in the outside world with some degree of risk, with multi-age children of all genders, with as little adult supervision as possible! No, really, it is. Research shows that older children are biologically wired to become the carers of younger children when there is no adult present. Younger children are wired to learn from the behaviour of older children not only in how to navigate the world physically, but also how to communicate with others, how to navigate conflict and how to sustain play. In these environments they all have opportunities to lose, to win, to laugh, to cry and to ultimately grow in so many ways.

If you have a high-energy child, they are properly able to cope with some organised activities when they are 3 to 4, but most kids will have difficulty concentrating at the end of a day of childcare or school, under the age of six or seven. Not only are they starting earlier, but many kids also do several extracurricular activities. I’ve spoken to a number of parents who have realised that, much like the push-down of formalised learning, too much too soon is not good for our kids.

Allowing kids time to play without adult supervision in the outside world can be a deceptively brilliant way to help kids regulate themselves after school, to experience moments of fun and joy, to nurture and develop friendships and to spend time in fresh air. I celebrate the primary schools that have some afternoons where the kids are able to play on the school playground for an extra half an hour and I absolutely celebrate the ones, who organise a coffee van to be present as well for parents.

When we hurry our kids up to be a part of organised activities, we are stealing precious time for them to be fully present in their own world. Another key aspect of having time to play is giving children the autonomy to choose what they want to do. I have spoken to paediatricians and allied health professionals who have found a link to some significant mental health challenges later in life, because they never had a voice or a choice. Too much organisation, too much scheduled time can cause more stress for kids and their parents. I am aware that the pressures of the modern world need more parents working, so creating opportunities for extended play can be difficult. I do celebrate all the wonderful grandparents caring for kids after school and also those wonderful humans who do out-of-school hours care for families because they seriously know about the power of play and the importance of connection, autonomy and freedom.

Where can you create more time for your kids to play in your busy week?

‘I know you are finding this hard, and yes, it’s frustrating when we can’t do something we want to do, but I want you to remember the word “yet”. No one can do anything complicated the first time. No one can cross the long monkey bars the first time. No one can ride a bike without training wheels the first time. However, with practice, they gradually get better. So, it’s not that you won’t ever be able to do it – it’s that right at this moment – you are finding it hard and you can’t do it YET.’

The very best way that we can help our children stretch and grow is through safe, meaningful relationships. The safer they feel, the more likely they will respond to us and the more energy they will have in their nervous system, to stretch and be brave. One of the best ways of doing this in the busyness of life, especially for working families, is to create pockets of joy when you can.

Children are way more capable than the modern world gives them credit for and by giving them life skills and competence (especially in how they move their body or how they sing or dance), we can build an inner sense of self that then creates confidence and genuine self-worth. So, mums and dads, take more deep breaths and encourage those tiny steps of bravery so that one day, they will be brave enough to leave home and live their own lives.